A Plea to Sarah Palin, by Ian Gurvitz

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP, SARAH PALIN! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED TO RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY, NOW, OR FOUR YEARS FROM NOW! YOU WERE A CAMPAIGN GIMMICK. A HAIL MARY PASS BY A LOSING QUARTERBACK! YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU ARE TOO DUMB TO BE ON THE NATIONAL STAGE! YOU JUST PLAYED JOHNNY MAC'S LADY MACBETH AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR OPINIONS ON ANYTHING SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! YOU LOST THE ELECTION! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GO BACK TO ALASKA AND STAY THERE WITH YOUR IRRITATING FAMILY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS IS YOUR 2-MINUTE WARNING ON YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME! YOU'RE DONE! YOU'RE OVER! YOU BLEW THE ELECTION, THANK GOD! YOU'RE IRRELEVANT! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO, REALLY! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT THAT YOU OFFERED YOUR SERVICE TO THE COUNTRY! WE DON'T WANT YOUR SERVICE! WE'VE HAD 8 YEARS OF STUPID AND SMUG AND IT NEARLY RUINED US! WE'RE LOSING ONE GRINNING MEGALOMANIAC, WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER! OBAMA WON! YOU LOST! BECAUSE HE'S MORE QUALIFIED! YOU CANNOT BLUFF YOUR WAY INTO NATIONAL OFFICE, SO TAKE THAT FAKE SMALL-TOWN HUMILITY BULLSHIT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU CANNOT OUTSMART CITY FOLK BECAUSE WE'RE SMARTER THAN YOU SO SHUT THE FUCK UP! GO KILL A MOOSE! FIRE A RELATIVE! HUMP A SNOWPLOW! NOBODY CARES! JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE LOWER 48! YOU LOST! JUST BOW OUT GRACEFULLY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU TO RUN! HE SHUT THE DOOR IN YOUR FACE! TAKE THE FUCKING HINT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE GOVERNOR! IF MOOSE COULD VOTE IN ALASKA YOU'D BE GIVING HAND JOBS TO JOE SIXPACKS BEHIND THE LOCAL DINER! STAY HOME! PAL AROUND WITH TODD AND HIS SECESSIONST PALS! CALL PASTOR MUTHEE AND GET AN EXORCISM! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! GET OFF THE NATIONAL STAGE! TAKE THAT NASALLY FUCKING VOICE AND THAT SELF-SATISFIED SMIRK AND YOUR IDIOTIC REACTIONARY BULLSHIT OPINIONS ABOUT THE REAL AMERICA AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! WE'RE THE REAL AMERICA AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SERVE US YOU NEED TO DO NOTHING MORE THAN TO PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

- Ian Gurvitz